“How did—Avery,” Sherlock realized. He’s gone and betrayed me now. “I…I can assure you that it was sexuality augmented by the drugs, and I’m not taking it any more, it’s wrong to feel anything like that at all, for me. I’m not apologizing to her for being with you, I’m apologizing to you for being with her.” He was silent as he pecked at his food, excellent though it was, before stamping down his fist. “Damn it, John! Why can’t you get it through your head just how much I need you? I lied because it would save your life, would save her life! When you showed up, I was hours away from living on the streets. Again. When—when I was alone, I got so lonely that only one thing cured it, and it was a hell of a fight to stay clean, one which I lost for a few days. I binged. I overdosed. I woke up in a hospital in Portugal.” He was raging, furious with John for not understanding. “The only reason I’m still here at all is you. And you seem so lost, so empty, and there’s nothing I can do to help, watching you be miserable because I know I’m bringing you down, and that absolutely guts me! It might be better for everyone concerned if—” He stood up, throwing his napkin at his food. “Excuse me,” he said and closed himself in his room, before sobbing into his pillow as quietly as possible, shaking, fighting the irrational emotional impulse that John—not to mention the entire world—would be better off without him.
John frowned at the table, wondering why he had to ruin everything. He finished his meal alone, drank the remainder of his glass, and started thinking about finishing the bottle. Instead, he knocked on Sherlocks door. “Sherlock. Can I come in please?” Sherlock didn’t reply, instead all John could hear was sniveling from inside. “Please? I didn’t mean to upset you, I just wanted you to know how I feel.” Sherlock got up and unlocked the door, slowly. “Please, I’m sorry. You made such an effort and I didn’t mean to ruin it, it’s gladly appreciated.”
1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
Probably looking into someones eyes when I tell them how I feel.
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
Yesterday. You know why, and I feel sort of betrayed. Yes.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
You, to tell you I love you and to say goodbye.
4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
I’d tell my close friends and family. I’d go on holiday and get monumentally drunk. I’d probably be terrified.
7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
Well I trust and love you the most.
11. Does love = sex?
Not all the time, no.
13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
Probably today. You. Admitting how useless I feel.
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
Our friendship. Because we have been friends for years now, and I’ve grown very dependent on you, along with my feelings for you.
17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
Moriarty getting to either of us. You having sex with somebody else. Because they both hurt.
24.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
Never loved at all. It’s much less pain.
25.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
For you to be well again. For you to reciprocate my feelings.
#CANNOT UNSEE ‘CHRISTMAS DINNER’ #HE’S IN A SHITTY MOOD BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN SEATED NEXT TO MYCROFT #MYCROFT IS DISCREETLY APOLOGISING TO MUMMY #THE ROOM IS FULL OF SMARTLY DRESSED HOLMSES #AND SHERLOCK IS SITTING THERE THINKING #’DULL. BORING. MYCROFT SHOULDN’T BE EATING THOSE YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS.’ #’WHY DID JOHN HAVE TO GOTO HIS SISTER’S?’
Class.
“An apology,” Sherlock said. He sat and invited John to join him. “I’m hardly the best of people to consider a friend, and trust me when I say that no one has ever…believed in me like you have.” He cut into the chicken and bit it while he thought carefully about his next words. “Your attraction to me is something I never would have anticipated for a multitude of reasons, not least of which being that I can never reciprocate it. Not without chemical aid, and to be attracted artificially is worse than being not attracted at all—it’s a lie.” He swallowed. “You…you’ve had faith in me when no one else has. Not even myself. Anyone else would have left at the first sign of Avery, but you didn’t. And I’ve treated you unfairly. All of me has. I’m sorry.” He looked up at John and there was an eerie emptiness in his eyes. “If you wish to leave, I understand. I can tell you’re drifting, losing interest, you friendship waning as everything ethereal does. I don’t blame you—I’ve been cruel, I’ve misused you, not to mention what Avery has done, and probably Liam as well. But accept this apology, and know that even if it’s the last night we have, as friends, a part of me will always be inside you.” He looked deep at John as if into his very heart, and in that moment, for John, the world vanished and everything was Sherlock’s silver eyes and his deep velvet voice. “I’ve given you my soul.” Sherlock sounded very small, very childlike, but not in Liam’s way, in the way he did when very obviously lonely. “Do with it what you will. It cannot be taken back once given and…I’ve chosen to give it to you.”
John stayed quiet and sipped his wine. Sherlock looked down at the table, almost as if he was defeated. “I feel like I’m not needed here.” He said, finally, after a minute or so of silence had passed. “You never have needed me, you just think you do. You have Mycroft, Zapharia and Mrs Hudson. Hell, you even have Molly.” Sherlock sighed. “I’m not losing interest in you, though. I could never do that. My affection for you will never fade, no matter what you do. I just feel unneeded, unwanted and useless here. I’ll feel like that no matter where I go, I suppose.” He ate half of his meal before speaking again. “I feel upset at the fact you enjoyed something more than the night you lost your virginity, though. I thought I might have meant more than whoever this one night stand was. Well, I know who it was. But that also means you’ve been lying to me, too. I’m just hurt.”
